Drifting

Most of the time I don't understand it. Where do people find the energy to do all these things they do in life. For me, just getting out of bed is exhausting most days. If, by some miracle, you get me started on a physical task, I'll finish the job. But you have to figure out a way of getting me started. Sometimes it happens, I'll spend days thinking about something I have to do. Everyday I'll think "I should do this today. It'll barely take ten minutes." Then, somehow, I never manage to get round to it.

Today is one of those days, when sitting up is exhausting. I'm not unwell, I don't think. I just can't seem to see the point in doing most things. It's on days like this I think thoughts like, "I wish I could just sit here and close my eyes and be restful, just like this, and not think about anything or anyone and just be." But it seems that that is not to be. I am not destined for peace or tranquility. There is always a part of me that is in turmoil or tortured by some thought or deed I wish had or hadn't happened.

It's on days like these I wish I didn't have to do things. I didn't have to live. It was the greeks I think, who first had the idea of living on an entirely platonic level. But the affairs of the body will always distract us. If I had the choice to live simply as a mind with no physical form, would take it? Would life be simpler? Would life be easier?

That is the crux of it, isn't it? Life is hard. No matter what luxuries you have to help, Life is hard. And sometimes I feel like I don't have the energy anymore to live it, or do it, or whatever it is we do in this world. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to simply close my eyes and drift away forever, far away from this world and it's complications.

But then I remember, we do not live in this world alone. Drifting away could quite possibly be the most selfish thing a human being could do. I wish I could, once in my life, be completely and utterly selfish. If I were though, it would throw off our carefully constructed balance. We've had enough imbalance in our family and we will have more to come without my adding to it.

And so, from somewhere, God knows where, I will/must find the energy to keep my eyes open and do what needs to be done. Do what needs to be done. That's what I've been taught. Do what needs to be done. Let it be my mantra then, from now until there is no more need.