Sometimes things seem to happen for a reason. I thought that maybe she could have helped with a bit of the confusion in my head. It turns out she's more confused than me... At least in my case I haven't got myself into a situation that leaves me suspended between to life styles.

I thought that maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to be with someone of another faith and culture. But it seems that no matter what, that difference in faith, and what that implies in terms of life styles, means that it is rather difficult to reconcile the two unless you are willing to let go of some of your beliefs.

I suppose, maybe I am playing at being something, or maybe just figuring it out. But I think I have figured out where I draw the line. And unfortunately, that does mean that the guy I can't seem to get out of my head, is in fact not someone I can be with.

My mother left yesterday after a 2 month stay with me and my sister. Maybe I'm just being sentimental, but it seems that she picks up on things I don't even talk about. Based on what she said, I could choose her or a non-muslim man. I think that simplyfies the choice greatly. I also suppose that given time I will actually move on. Maybe someday soon, I won't have to conciously stop myself from messeging him or thinking about him. Maybe one of these days, I reallise I haven't spoken to him or thought of him for days. One can hope.

mind dump

how do you resolve who you are or what you want, when there is more than one 'you' in your head?

There is the me on the outside. the one the world sees. the one the world likes. the one that exists to help people. then there is the other one. the one i silence. the one who would be happy living alone. who would be happy not caring about anyone or anything.

so much control over myselves is exhausting. so much so, that i don't even know anymore which i am. i don't even know anymore if there is another 'me' in there somewhere.

i suppose there is. so much confusion couldn't possibly be created by one person.

damn my inhibitions and the people i try to please. it's never enough. they say you do so much and then say but why haven't you done this.

so tired of being alone. so tired of being the one doing the looking after. i need someone with broad shoulders. i wish there was someone. but there isn't. there isn't anybody else around to figure out how the damn boiler works, so we can switch on the stupid heating. or someone around to make the damn calls to the council. there's just me. and i'm exhausted.

i want to be smart and dynamic and fun. but i am exhausted. and those are the girls who get the guys. or so the movies would have us believe.

i have yet to meet a guy who seems to find me interesting. who isn't intimidated or afraid. who would rather be my friend than anything else. most of them don't even want that.

if i'm honest with myself, i don't really know what i want. i've gotten good at being all nerdy about math. but i don't think i really am. i'm simply following the only path i know to follow. it's not even the only one that makes sense. it's a path i defined a long time ago which may not be relevant anymore. but i don't know what else to do.

nobody quite seems  to understand the confusion. they say everybody goes through this. this self doubt. but it's more than that. God! i don't know who i am. i don't know how to be around people. i don't know how to function in this world. and it wearies me.

if someone told my today, that my time is up. i don't think it would bother me much. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. all i keep thinking is "what a relief. i can stop trying now"

i keep hoping some doctor somewhere will turn around and say, this is what is wrong with you, you have this much time left. and then i can stop worrying about how it will happen and what all i should have done and should be doing. because then this rather pointless struggle is over. there's nothing more to see or do. just to bide your time and let the inevitable happen. then you can stop worrying about the people around you and what everybody thinks and needs. then you can simply be.

otherwise, you keep trying to be better, whether possible or not. you keep trying to achieve things, whether possible or not. you keep trying to be something, somewhere to someone.

i wish it were possible to know the exact moment and method of things ending. then you don't need to worry so much. a plan can be made. things can be sorted out. and life can be made easier and less complicated.

life could then slow down and be less complicated and just less

Testing new blog app

So testing out a new app.

posted from Bloggeroid

Roots

It's something I've been thinking about recently.

What are roots? What do people mean when they talk about putting down roots in place?

Does having a physical home count? Or is there something less tangible that qualifies someone as having put down roots?

I have a home. I've lived in the same city, in the same house for the last 21 years. And yet I don't feel like I actually have very much of a connection to this place. To this house and the people in it, sure. But, if tomorrow they said "go, be free, live your life", I would. I would leave and probably not feel too much of a twinge.

I love this city and I feel like it's trying to rip itself apart, but I don't think I would miss it.

Last night I realised, I have all of 2 reasons to stay here. My family, and my math classes.

I'm not sure how/what to feel about that. Am I being to clinical? Should I be more emotional? Does it matter that I don't really have any personal relationships in this city?

I try to figure out what persona relationships mean to me, but I don't really seem to come up with anything. I seem to have found the minimum amount of personal contact/relationships I require. Is that a bad thing?

It's quite possible that this means that I'll end up being alone. But every time I think about the things people have to do to find their significant other, I feel exhausted. Like it's an unnecessary expenditure of energy for something that won't really be worth much in the end. It seems to cost much more than it's worth.

The guys I've liked for the better part of  4 years, probably from lack of anyone else coming along, is getting engaged soon. I feel sad. I feel like I may not be worthy of being with someone, or that the goals I've chosen in life make being with someone difficult, if not impossible.

Plan B

I plans! for the first time in a long time I have a plan that goes beyond "I will study until my exams, then take a few days off and study some more."

With plans like that you forget about time passing. You stop thinking about life in terms of days or weeks or months. All you can see is the next assignment and the next chapter.

I have plans for the next year and I terrified. Terrified that these plans will fall apart as well. That something will happen to derail this trains of beautiful dreams.

Shall I tell you of these Plans? Will they be disrupted simply by the telling of them? Would they be disrupted even if I didn't? Here goes.

My Plan for the year is, as per usual, study until the exams, come back, work for a few months, start my last year of courses, and then come this time next year, fly off to London. Where I'm hoping all my dreams will come true. Disappointment waiting to happen. I know.

But what else can I do? I'm trying to rebuild a life here, and as soon as it feels like I might actually be able to have a life here outside of my study, I start planning to leave. Maybe I'm just destined to be "placeless." Though that would be very sad, if it were true.

Hopefully life will sort itself out. It seems that it generally does.

Round the moon and back again

I've been here before. This place where I have to exercise some serious control over myself to keep myself from fucking up again.

The last time was two years ago. I had just started my courses at the OU and my dad was telling me how I would have to cut out all extraneous things from my life, so I could concentrate, without distraction, on my studies. It was easy then. Most of the people I knew where either from work or were away at their respective colleges. Not meeting people and just studying at that time was much easier than it seems to be now.

Now, I don't have a huge number of friends whom I HAVE to meet. I meet people I want to meet as and when I want to meet them. This is a result of two years of self control and learning to live without a lot of people being involved in my life.

It's much harder now. Because now feelings that keep resurfacing are ones of romance and relationships and companionship, male companionship. Now I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that may never happen, and that if I want what I want right now, this is probably going to be something that I have to be alright with giving up.

Over the last few weeks, my math tutor has been telling me to start talking to someone, because there's something I'm not talking to him about that is affecting my work. He says so far it has only tangentially affected my work, but soon it will have a much greater impact, once it has been compounded by the amount of stress I'll feel from my studies.

I can't afford for things to affect my work. I've drastically reduced the amount of hours I'm working at school. This seems to have helped. But ultimately what I need to do is be alright with whatever I have to do to earn this degree, with flying colours. I need to do well here and I need to get into a good Uni for my Masters. I don't think I could ever be satisfied with myself if I didn't. My self-worth seems to be inextricably tied to these things.

I feel less than most people around me. I feel surprise when people think my opinions worth listening to. I don't know where all this comes from. All I know is that it is there, and I have to do everything I can to make it go away.

Perhaps it is a need for external validation. I seem to get plenty of that at school. It seems to be the only place where I am wanted for what I can contribute. I enjoy feeling wanted. They are understanding of the demands of my studies. Hopefully I will be able to keep working there.

Maybe if I focus on trying to keep my grades up while working at school, it will help me in coming to terms with being on my own. Perhaps. That is the plan so far.

What does the future hold?

I don't mind the isolation so much anymore. It used to bother me. Make me restless. But not so much anymore.

Sometimes, though, it does scare me.

I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason. In every event preparing us for what's to come next.

If all of this is preparation, the question is for what? What could possibly result in so much separation and isolation? What could possibly need me to be so familiar with the concepts of compromise, self-control and putting myself second to most things?

When I look at it in this light, maybe a single life won't be such a bad thing at all...