how do you resolve who you are or what you want, when there is more than one 'you' in your head?
There is the me on the outside. the one the world sees. the one the world likes. the one that exists to help people. then there is the other one. the one i silence. the one who would be happy living alone. who would be happy not caring about anyone or anything.
so much control over myselves is exhausting. so much so, that i don't even know anymore which i am. i don't even know anymore if there is another 'me' in there somewhere.
i suppose there is. so much confusion couldn't possibly be created by one person.
damn my inhibitions and the people i try to please. it's never enough. they say you do so much and then say but why haven't you done this.
so tired of being alone. so tired of being the one doing the looking after. i need someone with broad shoulders. i wish there was someone. but there isn't. there isn't anybody else around to figure out how the damn boiler works, so we can switch on the stupid heating. or someone around to make the damn calls to the council. there's just me. and i'm exhausted.
i want to be smart and dynamic and fun. but i am exhausted. and those are the girls who get the guys. or so the movies would have us believe.
i have yet to meet a guy who seems to find me interesting. who isn't intimidated or afraid. who would rather be my friend than anything else. most of them don't even want that.
if i'm honest with myself, i don't really know what i want. i've gotten good at being all nerdy about math. but i don't think i really am. i'm simply following the only path i know to follow. it's not even the only one that makes sense. it's a path i defined a long time ago which may not be relevant anymore. but i don't know what else to do.
nobody quite seems to understand the confusion. they say everybody goes through this. this self doubt. but it's more than that. God! i don't know who i am. i don't know how to be around people. i don't know how to function in this world. and it wearies me.
if someone told my today, that my time is up. i don't think it would bother me much. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. all i keep thinking is "what a relief. i can stop trying now"
i keep hoping some doctor somewhere will turn around and say, this is what is wrong with you, you have this much time left. and then i can stop worrying about how it will happen and what all i should have done and should be doing. because then this rather pointless struggle is over. there's nothing more to see or do. just to bide your time and let the inevitable happen. then you can stop worrying about the people around you and what everybody thinks and needs. then you can simply be.
otherwise, you keep trying to be better, whether possible or not. you keep trying to achieve things, whether possible or not. you keep trying to be something, somewhere to someone.
i wish it were possible to know the exact moment and method of things ending. then you don't need to worry so much. a plan can be made. things can be sorted out. and life can be made easier and less complicated.
life could then slow down and be less complicated and just less
There is the me on the outside. the one the world sees. the one the world likes. the one that exists to help people. then there is the other one. the one i silence. the one who would be happy living alone. who would be happy not caring about anyone or anything.
so much control over myselves is exhausting. so much so, that i don't even know anymore which i am. i don't even know anymore if there is another 'me' in there somewhere.
i suppose there is. so much confusion couldn't possibly be created by one person.
damn my inhibitions and the people i try to please. it's never enough. they say you do so much and then say but why haven't you done this.
so tired of being alone. so tired of being the one doing the looking after. i need someone with broad shoulders. i wish there was someone. but there isn't. there isn't anybody else around to figure out how the damn boiler works, so we can switch on the stupid heating. or someone around to make the damn calls to the council. there's just me. and i'm exhausted.
i want to be smart and dynamic and fun. but i am exhausted. and those are the girls who get the guys. or so the movies would have us believe.
i have yet to meet a guy who seems to find me interesting. who isn't intimidated or afraid. who would rather be my friend than anything else. most of them don't even want that.
if i'm honest with myself, i don't really know what i want. i've gotten good at being all nerdy about math. but i don't think i really am. i'm simply following the only path i know to follow. it's not even the only one that makes sense. it's a path i defined a long time ago which may not be relevant anymore. but i don't know what else to do.
nobody quite seems to understand the confusion. they say everybody goes through this. this self doubt. but it's more than that. God! i don't know who i am. i don't know how to be around people. i don't know how to function in this world. and it wearies me.
if someone told my today, that my time is up. i don't think it would bother me much. i've been thinking about this a lot lately. all i keep thinking is "what a relief. i can stop trying now"
i keep hoping some doctor somewhere will turn around and say, this is what is wrong with you, you have this much time left. and then i can stop worrying about how it will happen and what all i should have done and should be doing. because then this rather pointless struggle is over. there's nothing more to see or do. just to bide your time and let the inevitable happen. then you can stop worrying about the people around you and what everybody thinks and needs. then you can simply be.
otherwise, you keep trying to be better, whether possible or not. you keep trying to achieve things, whether possible or not. you keep trying to be something, somewhere to someone.
i wish it were possible to know the exact moment and method of things ending. then you don't need to worry so much. a plan can be made. things can be sorted out. and life can be made easier and less complicated.
life could then slow down and be less complicated and just less
