I'm that girl

Sometimes I wish I were that girl. The conventional one, who does conventional things. The girl people don't feel intimidated by. The kind of girl who's sweet and easy going.

And then reality comes flooding back in and I think...damn! can't go around being that girl!! It's much more fun being me...I'm the girl who decided she wanted her room to be a different colour, so went out, bought the paints and brushes, learnt to use my dad's sanding machine, and painted my room. I'm the girl who decided none of the one act plays I could find (in eighth grade mind you) so adapted a story to fit our time line and what I wanted to do.

I'm the girl who decided I wasn't learning what I wanted to at Uni so I left, without a plan. And here I am a year two years later, studying what I want, the way I want to.

That's who I am. I forget sometimes. But then, thankfully, I remember. I'm the girl who decides what she wants to do and does it.

Tally

Tally:
Friday: 2

I have an 'itis'! It's all over now!

I visited the doctor yesterday. My right wrist has been hurting for a couple of days. It's getting in the way of my writing.

He pulled and pressed my fingers, thumb and wrist. And then tills me "It's tendinitis." Is it there thinking "shit! my cousin had this and she had to have it operated!" Then he says "It's from writing too much with a thin pen." In my head, I'm giggling. Who ever heard of someone hurting themselves by writing! Apparently me!

Oh well, this apparently just means a cream and medication for a couple of weeks, and no more pretty thin pens...sigh! I shall venture forth and buy "big fat pens" as recommended, or rather prescribed!

Here's the tally for the last couple of days. It would seem hat just the idea of having to write how much I've been smoking down is helping me cut down!

Tally:

Tuesday: 2
Wednesday: 1
Thursday: 2
Friday: 0 (I stayed home)

I'm a smoker. I want to quit.

I'm a smoker. I want to quit.

But here's the deal, all you non-smokers out there, it's not easy. And less so for those whose family members don't know. You start in secret and you'd rather quit in secret than tell them something that would break their hearts.

I have days when I could smoke a pack and days where I barely feel like touching a cigarette. But I have one rule, which since I made I haven't broken. I don't smoke at home. At all.

I smoke when I'm out. Which is basically at my tutors' place in the evenings. I try not to smoke during the day even if I'm out. Another rule I'm trying to put into place. But this one is a little harder than the first. But I'm trying.

I've cut down considerably since I came home. Whilst I was away at college, I could smoke a pack a day, and very often that's just what I did. But here's the thing, it made me feel like crap, so I'd cut down. And then for various reasons, it would climb right back up.

But recently I've kept it to no more than 4 in a day, 5 on a bad day. But I try to smoke as little as I can.

There are days, when I don't leave the house and so don't end up smoking at all. Mostly, those days are fine. But when I get to the three day mark, it gets hard. Whether it's from spending too much time with family or from withdrawal, I don't know.

This is the situation as it stands right now.

I'm trying to make positive changes in my life. I've started exercising again. I've noticed that when I exercise I feel less like smoking.

I've started drinking more water. How that's connected to this we'll see. It may just help with the inevitable weight gain issue, which comes hand in hand with quitting. Here's hoping.

In a sense, I guess I'm trying to replace cigarettes with exercise. No one can say that's a bad thing.

So here goes.

Success or failures, I shall try and chronicle them here. And at the end of it, hopefully I'll have quit.