I've been here before. This place where I have to exercise some serious control over myself to keep myself from fucking up again.
The last time was two years ago. I had just started my courses at the OU and my dad was telling me how I would have to cut out all extraneous things from my life, so I could concentrate, without distraction, on my studies. It was easy then. Most of the people I knew where either from work or were away at their respective colleges. Not meeting people and just studying at that time was much easier than it seems to be now.
Now, I don't have a huge number of friends whom I HAVE to meet. I meet people I want to meet as and when I want to meet them. This is a result of two years of self control and learning to live without a lot of people being involved in my life.
It's much harder now. Because now feelings that keep resurfacing are ones of romance and relationships and companionship, male companionship. Now I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that may never happen, and that if I want what I want right now, this is probably going to be something that I have to be alright with giving up.
Over the last few weeks, my math tutor has been telling me to start talking to someone, because there's something I'm not talking to him about that is affecting my work. He says so far it has only tangentially affected my work, but soon it will have a much greater impact, once it has been compounded by the amount of stress I'll feel from my studies.
I can't afford for things to affect my work. I've drastically reduced the amount of hours I'm working at school. This seems to have helped. But ultimately what I need to do is be alright with whatever I have to do to earn this degree, with flying colours. I need to do well here and I need to get into a good Uni for my Masters. I don't think I could ever be satisfied with myself if I didn't. My self-worth seems to be inextricably tied to these things.
I feel less than most people around me. I feel surprise when people think my opinions worth listening to. I don't know where all this comes from. All I know is that it is there, and I have to do everything I can to make it go away.
Perhaps it is a need for external validation. I seem to get plenty of that at school. It seems to be the only place where I am wanted for what I can contribute. I enjoy feeling wanted. They are understanding of the demands of my studies. Hopefully I will be able to keep working there.
Maybe if I focus on trying to keep my grades up while working at school, it will help me in coming to terms with being on my own. Perhaps. That is the plan so far.
The last time was two years ago. I had just started my courses at the OU and my dad was telling me how I would have to cut out all extraneous things from my life, so I could concentrate, without distraction, on my studies. It was easy then. Most of the people I knew where either from work or were away at their respective colleges. Not meeting people and just studying at that time was much easier than it seems to be now.
Now, I don't have a huge number of friends whom I HAVE to meet. I meet people I want to meet as and when I want to meet them. This is a result of two years of self control and learning to live without a lot of people being involved in my life.
It's much harder now. Because now feelings that keep resurfacing are ones of romance and relationships and companionship, male companionship. Now I need to reconcile myself to the fact that that may never happen, and that if I want what I want right now, this is probably going to be something that I have to be alright with giving up.
Over the last few weeks, my math tutor has been telling me to start talking to someone, because there's something I'm not talking to him about that is affecting my work. He says so far it has only tangentially affected my work, but soon it will have a much greater impact, once it has been compounded by the amount of stress I'll feel from my studies.
I can't afford for things to affect my work. I've drastically reduced the amount of hours I'm working at school. This seems to have helped. But ultimately what I need to do is be alright with whatever I have to do to earn this degree, with flying colours. I need to do well here and I need to get into a good Uni for my Masters. I don't think I could ever be satisfied with myself if I didn't. My self-worth seems to be inextricably tied to these things.
I feel less than most people around me. I feel surprise when people think my opinions worth listening to. I don't know where all this comes from. All I know is that it is there, and I have to do everything I can to make it go away.
Perhaps it is a need for external validation. I seem to get plenty of that at school. It seems to be the only place where I am wanted for what I can contribute. I enjoy feeling wanted. They are understanding of the demands of my studies. Hopefully I will be able to keep working there.
Maybe if I focus on trying to keep my grades up while working at school, it will help me in coming to terms with being on my own. Perhaps. That is the plan so far.
