Self Expression

It's not something I'm particularly good at. Probably actually quite bad at. Which is probably why this particular blog is quite starved.

For lots of people, self expression is quite easy. It may not necessarily be eloquent, but it's easy. Me, I find it hard to shriek into my pillow.

I'm learning to play the piano. I'm quite bad at it. It's kind of sad. Given that music, for many people, is a form of self expression.

Other people use some sort of art to express themselves. I'm not much good at that either.

I chose to study math, because it made sense. They're isn't much grey area, once something has been solved/proved. Sometimes I think I should probably have decided to study something else, maybe something more creative. And then I think I'd be miserable.

I think, I think too much. But that is another matter entirely.

I look at people who seem to go through life so easily, and I wonder how?

Is it that they don't think too much? Or is it that their internal moral codes allow for more? More of what? I don't know.

Do I have too many inhibitions? Am I too conservative? Am I too self-righteous? Maybe I just need to give it all a rest and just let loose. But I fail to see the point. I fail to see the point of doing things which don't really bring me any kind of pleasure just because a bunch of "other" people think this is what makes life worth living.

I feel threatened by most people. I think it might be because I lack confidence in myself. I feel like everyone else is better than me. It makes me work much harder than a lot of people. There are people who work harder than me. But for them I think, it's a more personal need to excel at something they love. I think I work the way I do because I want people to see me as someone of worth.

Perhaps, if I had been someone who was "good looking" I might not feel so threatened by the world. But that's the wishful part of me speaking.

Maybe someday, many years from now, a day will come, when I don't feel like I need to prove something to the world. Maybe, someday, I'll actually believe what I say, and not care that I'm different from most people I know.