Insomnia

On many a night, like tonight, I find myself lying awake unable to quiet my mind sufficiently to sleep.

On nights like these, I find myself thinking about things that are so far in the future, that I don't even know if the plans I'm considering now will even apply then. Here's a few things I've been thinking about:

1) the PGCE - a teaching qualification in England.
2) My masters
3) a PhD
4) Getting married
5) Being in an place where I can discover who I am.

Please note, that though I am 24, going on 25, I still have 2 more years before I complete my undergraduate degree in math.

I can't figure out whether I want to be a researcher, a lecturer, or teach kids about the wonders of math. Perhaps I don't have to figure this stuff out just yet. But then I think, I'm going to be 25 in a couple of months and I'm still living off my parents.

If I think about this practically, it makes sense to do the PGCE straight after my bachelors. It'll be the quickest way to start earning a decent living, at a job I'm less likely to hate. But then I feel like I'll be giving up on myself, without giving myself the chance to try my hand at research. What if I'm really good at it? What if after studying further I have greater insight in things mathematical, and I give it up to be practical?

What if, it's possible for me to hold a job and study full time in England?

I feel like it's time to move out and move on. But I don't know how to tell them... I really don't know how to tell them without sounding ungrateful, or making it sound like they've been suffocating me.

I don't want my future to depend on other people anymore.

I want my life to be mine.

I think it's time.

And yet I can't find a way to tell them, without sounding like a greedy child. Because until I figure it out, I'll be living off them.

Should I do my masters first, or the PGCE? If I do my masters first then I can come back and teach in Pakistan, but if I do the PGCE I can teach in both places.

If I do my masters first, I can teach up to bachelors level courses in Pakistan, though I won't be able to teach in England. I might be able to to some sort of teaching/research assisstanceship.

I been thinking so long about this, that I think I've been dreaming about it. I can see it all now. Finish my degree. Work for about 8 months. Do my masters. Do the PGCE. Then do my PhD.

Do everything that other people want me to do and still do what I want to do. Of course, the scholarships and funding for all these things will work out magically and without any hitches.

And of course, along the way the perfect man will show up, and we'll have a perfect life together. The End.

Hehe. Yeah well, I did say it was a dream!